Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Show review: CWA, Sydney, July 29

CWA owner Maso and his totally not gay twink valet
Soooooooo...I went to CWA to check out my boy Matt Bailey in action, plus see how the promotion has changed since it's dreaded Antonio D'eath and his mum shitkent days. Well, I can honestly say that this was one of the most unsettling shows I've ever attended. First up, results:

CWA (Greyhound Social Club, Yagoona, Sydney, 150 attendance) - Justin Greye def. Falco, Creepa & Johnny Rocket def. Jackson Spade & Johnny Vercetti, Maso def. Tony Slater via DQ, Rob Matrix def. Matt Bailey, NPJB def. Randal & Sai, Mikey Lord def. Osama Hussein, Ethan Hughz & Adam Asixx.

Let me just say that this was one of the most FERAL crowds I've ever seen (and I've been to a lot of shows in a lot of dodgy areas all around Australia). I've never seen so many rat-tails, chavs and merch-stealing kids. It was fucking awful. On the plus side...$3.80 beers. So...y'know...swings and roundabouts.

I gather that most of the crowd were friends and relatives of the most mong people associated with CWA and its owner (who restles under the name Maso). It was like every street person in the Sydney CBD had been invited to this card and they're all fucking related. :O

I knew things were seriously fucked up when I arrived in the auditorium and (a) Nasty Nick asked me to help him assist the young lady behind the merch table 'cos bastard kids were stealing all her shit. At one point, one lil' brat stole a frigging mask, and (b) When we started paying out heel commentator Poison Ivy (relatively politely, I might add), the table in front of us turned round and abused us with comments such as, "Don't say shit about our fucking mum!" etc etc. Yep, I had come to Mau Mau Land (as the late great Peter Boyle once said) where mark fans were legitimately riled 'cos we were paying out the fucking heels. :o

That table featured not only Mrs Ivy's two brats but also everyone's favourite fucktard Sloth. :P

Anyway, opening match was fine between AWFer Falco and Shinju dude Greye. Then the show fell off a cliff.

The second match featured a bunch of retard heels (four in all) who couldn't wrestle but had clearly brought a bunch of fans to the show. This match was so bad those same fans couldn't even be arsed to cheer or boo anyone. The match ran for nearly 15 minutes (which was roughly 14 minutes longer than it should have). Vercetti is a chubby ex-UWF guy and wasn't bad, but the rest of this crew were the shiznitz.

Next came the promoter (who does a gay daddy bear gimmick, I assume. Seriously...he had a twink male valet. How homo-wonderful is that? Be envious, Matthew Malouf). He took on Tony "Thug" Slater (who is Dementor using a British hooligan gimmick previously done by the sadly missed Thug Thomas). I love Slater's gimmick but he had nothing to work with. Maso is fucking terrible and the ending was also a load of bollocks - a lame DQ. Seriously horrible match.

The next match was what I'd primarily come to see: Bailey vs Rob Matrix. Sadly, what should have been a stellar bout was marred by (a) a dead crowd who wouldn't know good technical wrestling if it bit them on the arse, and (b) Poison Ivy's skinny mong son who actually tried to bait Bailey into a fight (and would have died if Matt had given him a backhander). It got so serious, Ivy left the commentary table and told him off in front of the crowd. Most anyone else would be embarrassed by that, but not our mong mate who kept on laughing and carrying on till even my even-tempered friend Nasty Nick lost his cool. Later, I asked someone, "Is that bloke retarded?" I was told that he's the normal one of the kids - the younger brother being autistic. You could've fooled me. Total fucktard.

Anyway, I assume these two took the match home early 'cos it ended rather abruptly. A pity - cos it was warming up quite nicely.

After intermission came a hard-core tag match. My apologies to Dan Damage and Nathan Cassar, but I left halfway through the bout to chat outside with Mr Bailey. I was confused anyway - Dan was a heel and yet he was doing a bunch of babyface spots (bowling ball to the crotch, the Terry Funk spinning ladder spot). Psychology was weird...but then, that was the story of the night: managers not managing, heel valets not interfering, babyfaces with gay male valets. Just fucking weird, man.  

We came back inside just as the main event was getting underway and I'm glad I caught it 'cos it was hands down the match of the card. Anthonynja Lofitis and Adam Asixx were flying all over the place, but I also had a lot of time for Osama who is a fucking unit and Sarge who - as someone commented to me - is a severely underrated worker in this country. An entertaining main event and Mikey even broke out the 450 splash at the end.

So there you go: my first (and probably last) CWA show: one great match, two good matches and three "oh my fucking god" matches. Bad commentary (when CJ Irwin is the best guy on your table, you know you've got trouble), a dispassionate crowd filled with mongs and cannibals ("The Hills Have Eyes!") and far too many shit wrestlers to make me pay $10 to see it again. Sorry, Anthonynja Lofitis and Dan Damage, but that's just the way I feel.

Spotted in the crowd: Bishop Sommers and Koby Star, Rodney Schwanker and a few other dubious types.
 
Still, can't complain about catching up with the likes of Nasty Nick, Mikey Lord, Falco, Sarge, Sam, Dementor, Matt Bailey and, finally, Rob Matrix (who I've somehow never met despite following the scene for 15 years). And hell, $3.80 beers aren't too shabby either.

Heel commissioner/manager/mother of mongs Poison Ivy
...not a recovering drug addict. Honest